Ode to my bed

Last summer, I got a new bed. A platform frame with a stylish gray headboard, but most importantly, a new mattress. Brand new, fresh-out-the-box new, not just new to me. Never been slept on by a dead relative (thanks, Mamaw) or a stranger (thanks, Craigslist). No exes have been in this bed. No men have been gross in this bed. It is firm and breathable and supportive. There are sheets, clean sheets, nice sheets—a deep blue. There is a new comforter encased in a duvet cover with an arrow pattern. There are matching shams on my new pillows and dark blue throw. These are mine, all mine.

Nearly every day, I make this bed, and it sets my day in motion. It makes me feel a little better to see this tidy thing in my life. I feel a little further away from who I used to be and a little more like who I am now.

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Four Years Later

It’s been over four years since I last posted.

Sometimes I cannot believe I survived.

Not documented: shouting matches, eyes swollen from crying, clenched muscles of stress, doors slammed in anger, bank accounts beyond empty, sleepless nights, drunken nights, restless nights.

Not documented: moments of realization, hysterical laughter, the magic of first touch, waves of relief, hearts bursting with love, growth and evolution in ways never before thought possible.

Not documented: an adoption, a divorce, a new job, then another, a brief relationship, a girlfriend, new pets, two moves, first days of school.

Here is where I stand now: I am 32, the mother of an almost-teen and a second-grader. We have a peaceful existence in a comfortable townhouse. We have a piano, and we have a cat. Our house has lots of light, comfortable beds, a large tv.

I have a job I like with decent pay, good benefits, and a flexible schedule. I do not dread going to work.

I have a girlfriend. This is the best and brightest change in my life. As I write this, we have been together 16 months. Our relationship has been unlike any other I’ve had. It’s progressed more slowly but our connection goes deeper. It’s been fraught at times, especially in the beginning, but our down times always lead to positive outcomes and bring us closer. She keeps me in check, balances me out, is my anchor when I feel adrift. Through her, I’ve been able to unpack the feelings and habits that I’ve carried with me for over a decade. She’s enabled me to finally move out of the rut I’ve been in for all of my adulthood. She’s made me a better person, and every day, we choose us.

In four years, but in zero posts, I have come so far.