mater facit

If I could sum up the way Christmas has left me feeling in one image, it would be this one:

I feel a bit better now than I did when I last posted. Within the past 48 hours, I have gotten paid, finished my Christmas shopping, got some nice presents from some nice people, crawled through a bathroom window during a lockout, ate some tasty Moroccan food, went to an empty bar with two of my bestest friends to drink and play dirty MadLibs, listened to Christmas music played in minor key, made biscuits and gravy, gone tanning, done laundry, wrapped gifts, and vacuumed. These things have all made me feel much more human.

Now all I have to do is shower and I’ll be set.

Christmas is five days away, and I don’t know if it’s possible for me to feel any less of the holiday spirit than I do now.

I have never really had problems with getting into the holidays. I’ve always loved all the hoopla and hustle and bustle and nostalgia and warmth. But this year, something feels terribly hollow and void. I feel like Christmas could come and go with absolutely no recognition and I wouldn’t miss a thing. This makes me sad. I don’t know what’s wrong. I feel like completely breaking down but my eyes won’t even start to tear up.

When I was nine years old, my grandmother died a week short of Christmas. She was the reason I had such a happy, spoiled childhood. Christmas was always my favorite time of the year, and she was the one who made it magical. We tried to keep it going without her, but it just wasn’t the same. It’s this time of year I miss her most. I wish she was here. I wish that a lot of the time, really.

Anyway, this isn’t a post about my dead grandmother. I’m just trying to get past this terribly empty feeling. It has a lot to do with my financial situation (shitty) and the state of the world (even shittier). It can also be attributed to the weather (unseasonably, annoyingly warm) and my medication (sometimes makes me feel kind of numb). I don’t even want much for Christmas - it’s been the first year I didn’t actually make a list. But if I were to make one, make an honest list of what I’d want if anything were possible, this would be it:

freedom from debt and bills
the ability to feel happy again
my grandmother (but not as a zombie)
eradication of my bodily hangups
a studio full of windows
social welfare reform
a new digital camera
perfect eyesight
more patience
a bicycle
scrabble
a cello
a cat